Note to self no. 08: Pregnancy edition

Today it’s 12—TWELVE—days left until my due date. That means that I’ve been pregnant for about 268 days, and the little one can arrive any day now. I’ve become slightly too top heavy the last few weeks, but I still think this have been the best pregnancy I could hope for. Except from the nights I wake up in terror dreaming I’ll give birth to Donald Trump, I’ve hardly had any issues worth mentioning.

Still I’ve picked up a thing or two about my own body (who has allowed itself some liberties), my own mind, and about how people respond to growing bellies. Here are a few notes I’ve made during the last nine months. 

Note to self no. 08-01
Most people want to keep their pregnancy a secret the first weeks, but it can feel like you have “I AM PREGNANT” written all over you. This is a good time to work on your pokerface, and if you want to keep people from figure it out, you might want to avoid starting every 
sentence with “If I ever get pregnant, I’m not saying I ever will, but if…”. And also, not every man in a dark hoodie is out to stab you in the belly.

 

“And there’s a good chance there won’t be a marching band arriving to celebrate your pregnancy, even though it would be appropriate.”

Note to self no 08-02
When it’s finally time to share the good news, remember that your pregnancy might not be as life changing for the guy in human recourses that it is for you, so don’t be disappointed if nobody brings out confetti and cake. And there’s a good chance there won’t be a marching band arriving to celebrate your pregnancy, even though it would be appropriate.

Note to self no. 08-03
If you happen to have a family that (almost) only produces girl babies, it may come as a shock when you see a tiny penis on the ultrasound. In such case it’s perfectly fine to ask the midwife to zoom in on the pee pee, photograph is, draw a circle around, and send the photo to close family for confirmation. Just make sure to have the photo deleted before the little one hits puberty.

Pregnancy week 39 (38+4) and happily carrying a big, round belly. I’m keeping the family tradition alive by measuring slightly above average from week 36. I feel great, and I’m about 6 of 10 on an impatience scale for the birth to start (12 of 10 on an anxiety scale). The little one is about 50 cm long, 3,5 kg and ready to meet the world. 

Note to self no. 08-04

Eventually your tummy will start growing. And growing. This is when you learn that most people apparently is used to see cute, little baby bumps. If you happen to be equipped with an XXL sized belly, you risk getting comments like “Wow, it can’t be long now!” or “You must be so sick of being pregnant.” already in your second trimester. Remember that not even pregnant ladies is allowed to slap people. It’s better to say that you’re not pregnant and make a note of their reaction when you do.

“But if you don’t get any specific cravings, you own your non-pregnant self to take advantage of the opportunity. Make one up!”

Note to self no. 08-05
While pregnant it’s expected to have cravings. This makes it perfectly ok to buy a king size chocolate bar at ten PM on a regular Thuesday. But if you don’t get any specific cravings, you own your non-pregnant self to take advantage of the opportunity. Make one up! I can recommend manchego on crackers with fig jam. And chocolate of course.

Note to self no. 08-06
Suddenly you’re at the point where the baby crowds up your entire torso, and everything else is getting squashed in there. Remember to always arrive a meeting with an empty bladder—especially if you’re going to lead it. You might fall off your chair (in an attempt to save a candy from the floor), and  have to stand in front of your coworkers with a pee stain in your pants for the next two hours.

Note to self no. 08-07
One of the best things about being pregnant is that there’s a special seat saved for you at the bus. It even has a sign with an icon of a pregnant lady on it. Unfortunately not everyone respects the holy seat. In such case you could politely ask to sit, but it’s so much more satisfying to place your big belly two inches from the face of the 20 year old kid occupying the seat.

“There is not a thing in the world that makes swollen pregnancy feets look better than a tan line from your Birkenstock.”

Note to self no. 08-08
Sandals are your friend. Learn to love them! There is not a thing in the world that makes swollen pregnancy feets look better than a tan line from your Birkenstock.

Note to self no. 08-09
Nine months of pregnancy means nine months of not drinking alcohol. But even though you stay clear of the wine, doesn’t mean your boyfriend can’t enjoy a beer or two. So if you should decide to buy your man a sixpack, don’t feel obligated to tell every stranger at the grocery store that the beer isn’t for you. They really don’t care!


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